I'll Always Need You
by nofearonlylove
Summary: Because of her mistakes, she had been behind bars for many years. Unable to be a wife, unable to be a mother. She had failed her family. Her love couldn't save them. Their love couldn't save her. Angsty Red/Nicky mother-daughter interlude. Oneshot.


**AN: Just a short, angsty interlude in which Nicky takes care of Red for once. If you like this story, please review. XOXO - E**

There was once a time in Red's life where she had believed that love, when it was pure and unconditional, could get her through anything. She believed that her love could get her family through anything, too.

But Red hadn't felt this way in many, many years. Not since she got married to Dimitri. Even though she did love him and she did love her sons with all of her heart, and in their own way, she knew that they all loved her...it would never be enough. For any of them.

Love didn't save anyone. Love sometimes kept you going, but it had no power. The only power it seemed to have for her, was to break her heart. Over and over.

Because of her mistakes, she had been behind bars for many years. Unable to be a wife, unable to be a mother. She had failed her family. Her love couldn't save them. Their love couldn't save her.

Her sons tried to be good, tried to visit her and be supportive. But they were adults now, they had their own lives to lead, and they should. Red knew that when she got out of Litchfield, she would have no where to go. She would need to figure something out on her own again. Despite the rules and the conditions at Litchfield, she was never lonely here. She was needed.

Her love was all she had to give her boys from behind bars.

And it wasn't enough.

Vasily was dead.

Red couldn't find the words, couldn't find the actions to express her grief. She wandered the prison as if in a trance. What could be said? She wouldn't be granted furlough. Her release date was too imminent anyway, they had said, her crimes too severe.

Red had tuned into herself. She had nothing to say to anyone. Couldn't speak. She wanted to scream, wanted to hit something, wanted to tell everyone to fuck off. Her boy was gone. She couldn't save him. She couldn't be at his funeral. She couldn't hold Yuri and Maxim in her arms as they grieved their brother.

She was a failure. As a mother. As a wife. As a woman. She had nothing to offer. Not anymore.

Life would go on, but Red would never be the same. The light had gone out in her eyes for good.

Nicky was worried. About Red. Something was wrong. She had tried to get Red to talk to her, to no avail. Nicky knew that Red was not one to accept comfort, or even compassion. She could comfort others, and love others, everyday of her life, but to accept the same in return from those that loved her was for some reason, extremely difficult for Red.

This saddened Nicky more than anything. Red had saved her life. Red had been there, had been patient, had loved her, through everything. Nicky would have been dead had it not been for Red's love and sometimes hostile encouragement.

She wanted to help Red, too. Red was like a walking zombie. She wouldn't tell any of them what was wrong. Everyone stayed clear of her, as she was prone to snapping at people who came too close. She wanted to be left alone. Nicky understood this. But Nicky was never one to do what anyone wanted her to do.

Whatever was wrong with Red, she was going to find out. She was going to stay close by as much as she could. She would be as stubborn and overbearing as Red could sometimes be with her. She wouldn't let Red be alone in whatever it was she was going through.

She wanted to be there when Red finally had enough. Red deserved at least that much in return for all she had done for Nicky.

_

It took longer than Nicky had anticipated.

Weeks later, Red was still just going through the motions. Nicky couldn't remember the last time she had seen Red smile, or even when she had last cracked a sarcastic comment to one of them.

Late one night, after lights out, Nicky suddenly got a terrible feeling in the pit of her stomach. She crawled out of her bunk and headed to Red's, just to check on her to make sure that she was all right.

She wasn't.

Red was curled up, under the covers, her face buried in her pillow. She was sobbing. Her body shaking the the force of her sobs.

Nicky tiptoed closer, and knelt down on the floor beside her. She didn't want to startle her, but she wasn't going to leave Red alone again. Not this time. She reached over and gently started to play with Red's soft, red locks. Barely ghosting her fingers over the strands. Red seemed to sense another presence, and for a moment her sobs ceased. She rolled over and her face came out from her pillow, to see who it was that was disturbing her.

When she saw Nicky there, her face scrunched up in pain and her sobbing began again, in earnest.

Nicky reaches over to kiss Red on the forehead. "It's okay, Ma. I'm here. It's okay..."

She crawled into the bed and sat down beside her, helping Red to sit up so she could hold her properly. Red practically melted into her arms, and Nicky rocked her as best she could, shushing her, kissing the top of her head.

Red had finally had enough. She was a mother grieving her son in her daughter's arms. At the moment, she couldn't be anything else if she tried.

She was exhausted, and held onto Nicky for dear life. Her girl. Her reason for living behind these walls. She loved her, and was scared. She was scared of their impending separation, scared that their time was running out. She had already lost a son, and to leave this place, to leave Nicky behind, was too much for her to bear. Her heart would truly collapse if she lost Nicky, too.

Her thoughts only made her cry harder, and she clutched onto Nicky's messy mane of curls, holding Nicky impossibly closer. She had missed her, had missed their time together. She missed her boys. She wanted to speak to Vasily, just one more time. She wanted him to know that she was sorry, sorry that she failed him, sorry that she wasn't there, sorry that her love wasn't enough.

It was too late for her to do this things. Her life was a mess. She had no life waiting for her when she got out, and couldn't bear the thought of leaving Nicky here while she tried to go on to a life without her son, without a place to stay, without anyone in the world to need her the way she knew Nicky did.

After a few minutes, Red can't cry any longer. She sniffles and pulls back from Nicky, who is looking at her with so much love and concern. "Ma...what happened?"

Red took a deep breath, and her voice sounded foreign to her own ears when she spoke. "Vasily is dead. He was in a car accident. He was killed instantly, they said. I wasn't allowed furlough. They buried him without me."

Nicky's eyes widened. Her eyes filled with tears. "When?"

Red took a deep breath. "The 7th of June."

Nicky shook her head. "But that was weeks ago! You should have told me, I would have helped you!" Nicky spoke in a loud whisper.

Red nods understandingly. "I know, my girl. I just...couldn't face it. All I kept thinking about was how all I do is let the people I love down."

Nicky grabs onto Red's face, a gesture the two of them were all too familiar with. "You've never let me down."

Red's eyes filled again, and Nicky wiped away the tears that fell down her cheeks. "It's true. You saved me. You saved so many of us. You're everything I have here, Red. Seeing you like this scares me. How can I help you?"

Red reached over and wrapped her arms around Nicky again, pulling her close. "You're doing it, _malyshka_. You're doing it."

Nicky sighs in relief. "I'm sorry he's gone, Mommy. But I'm here now. And together we will get through this. Like we always do."

Red can only nod, finally allowing someone to take care of her for once.

"I love you, Red. And I need you. I'll always need you. You haven't failed me, or let me down. Don't forget that, okay?"

Red nods again. "I love you, too."

 **FIN.**


End file.
